Written by Esther Kamoche Robinson
Photo of Williams sisters located at National Museum of African American History.
Someone once said that women hate women but I say it's a bit more complicated than that. I am a middle child and I have spent my entire life protecting and caring for my siblings and keeping the peace. In my culture that is an expected norm. It's a hybrid mix of motherhood and sisterhood. Teaching and using words became my primary love language. I have spent a lifetime teaching everyone everything I know.
Recently I have had to learn the hard way that sisters must give each other wings and space to fly. To be a safe harbor but also allow them to be who God created them to be. That may sound easy but the real challenge came when I had to finally make space for me to thrive as well. All of my life I have made space for my siblings to be successful and I truly loved doing it. But after the birth of my own children I realized the true complexity of sisterhood. My own daughters needed space to also thrive and they weren't exactly quiet about it. They came with their own fierce personalities. I am learning that women don't hate women, they are human and they too need room to expand their wings and soar. This isn't wrong. In a loving relationship we give people the space they need to grow and learn that is called productive struggle.
I love the saying that God gives us only 24 hours in a day so if we are finding ourselves running out of time that means we are doing too much. This saying has inspired me to make my God giving priorities more of a priority. In this season of my life as a new mom that has come with a lot of growing pains, especially on my side. I like to have a full plate and I feel the most alive when I have a busy schedule. It is exhilarating and empowering for me to try to do it all. But as a mom of a preschooler and a toddler I am quickly realizing that when I use up all of my super power strength, my little ones don't care, they still want their needs met and I don't blame them.
Why is womanhood so complicated? It's the balancing act of trying to love someone but at the same time trying to love and honor yourself. Making space for yourself in the midst of your obligations, your spouse, your kids, and your extended family can be quite challenging but it is necessary. Protecting and caring for your mental health is key and important in order for you to love others. The art of loving God and others is making sure you don't forget to love yourself in the process.
I want to raise women who are able to articulate their needs and to be assertive wherever God sends them. I want them to be able to work well with others in order to achieve long and short term goals. I also want them to be able to indirectly and directly require that others treat them fairly with love, honor, and respect. That requires fluidity and long-term intentionality, focus, and drive. It also requires a strong commitment to excellence. One of my primary goals is to teach my children, my tribe of sisters, and my readers how to recognize and use their voice to protect themselves and others. I want them to use their voice to articulate their needs and to be fearless when encountering the problems in this world. This practice usually begins with learning and practicing some important phrases, "No. I can't do that." "No, I'm sorry." "I have other plans." My other favorite is "No, I don't like that." Keep saying these phrases until they become as natural as breathing.
Most of the mess that we encounter on a day to day basis can be stopped by saying No. The art of communication is learning when to say yes and when to say No, directly and indirectly, loudly like a lion or softly like a lamb. Communicating your needs effectively is paramount in maintaining and cultivating healthy relationships. It begins with recognizing your own needs and articulating them so that everyone around you knows how to treat and love you. When you are in a healthy relationship your needs are equally as important as the other parties. You are also comfortable with expressing your needs in a variety of ways so that all parties understand your needs and know how to love and treat you. We are all different and we all have different styles of communicating. Some people tend to use their left or right brain more because they may have a science brain or an artsy brain. Therefore being able to utilize different techniques is necessary in relationships.
Being able to clearly communicate your needs isn't called manipulation it is called speaking the other person's language in a way they clearly understand your needs in real time so that your expectations are clear. It is called showing others how to love, respect, and care for you and how to honor you. For example, if a person is a direct communicator they may need you to also be direct by speaking plainly. If someone is an indirect communicator they may need you to soften your response or to say something in a round about fashion. These strategies have been helpful for me so that all parties feel honored and respected. It isn't foolproof, but it is important to be both a direct and an indirect communicator but it takes trial and error to know how and when to use these strategies successfully. Happy Practicing!
Sources
Chrystal Evans: The Art of Saying No.
Additional Sources
Love Language by Gary Chapman
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