Chapter 1
My children have a special way of keeping me grounded. You see I am a professional dreamer. I am at heart a reading teacher and I love reading. I love being able to choose what I can read and nothing makes me happier than being able to choose the material that interest me. I am realizing how angry and emotional I get when I am not able to make my own decisions, daydream, work at my own pace, or have my own space. There are so many activities that interfere with my ability to dream some of them are good and some of them aren't. My children have found cleaver ways to keep me as the old timers would say, on my knees and close to the cross.
Daily I find myself praying loudly in all languages, in all faiths, and cultures for the Good Lord to help me. He usually does but not in the way I think He should. Usually He gives me the grace to accept that my time and my life isn't my own. It is usually a loud and messy process. I feel very Holy right now saying that because my kids are fast asleep but by midmorning that is going to be another story entirely. I am realizing that I am not as holy as I like to think I am. I find myself cussing an awful lot lately. It was something I gave up to become more like Christ but I finding myself picking it back up in order to survive parenting. I feel bad because I really and truly want so much better for my children and sometimes I'm not it. I can recognize this and be honest about it and most of the time I can accept it. My daily struggle as a parent is trying to give my children better. I don't want to give them better in terms of material things because I like living simply, but I want my children to be around positive influences. People who are more holier than I and more gracious like Mary, you remember her the mother of Jesus.
As a daydreaming American princess I often like to think of myself gliding through parenting and marriage life like a Disney Princess. Walking through my days stroking faces, patting backs, giving out warm hugs, holding sweet smelling babies, and distributing sweet delicious treats like Belle in Beauty and the Beast. As a teacher in a large school district I often got to play a Princess role when I encountered students who weren't mine so I have mastered the princess lifestyle. I love waving at the crowds during our school parades, giving gentle smiles, and gliding through the hallways. However, as a parent my gentleness shines so much brighter when I have been off to see Jesus at the Mall. When I am off doing some retail, couch, or nature therapy. It's amazing to me the clarity and joy I get from shopping, binge watching my favorite Jane Austen films, or puttering around in my small little cottage near the bay. Jesus shines so much brighter and stands as tall and majestic as the Brailizian Jesus statue. When He is that tall it's amazing how well I see Jesus. How wonderful and brilliant He looks to me.
In contrast, I often find it really odd how my more delicate side shines so beautifully with others and not with my own children and family. I often wonder why that is for me. That brings a lot of mom guilt. I have to work extremely hard on this. I am partially grateful for the pandemic in the sense that I was blessed to be able to spend so much family time with my family so much, so much, so much time together. I was thankful but at the same time I was too scared to ask God why. The blessing of it is that we got to know each other and our unique kirks so much better. The negative part of it is that my family now knows how to quickly trigger me to get what they want and that keeps me grounded and close to Jesus. Real close like Kevin Bacon close.
Chapter 2
My daily goal is to continue to completely master the ability to accept God's will. And if you know me personally you know that is NOT my strength in any way. I have a lot of wonderful talents but acceptance ain't it. It's not that I enjoy fighting it's just that I really enjoy expressing my feeling on every topic and fully exploring every idea at every angle before drawing a conclusion. I blame it on the Jesuits you see they taught me how to be a religious philosopher. In order words a professional dreamer. I also blame it on being in the field of education for so long. They taught me how to dream impossible dreams on a limited budget.
I feel so badly because most people just accept things and move on but I seem to notice things that are out of alignment with my thinking and I have become a professional question wizard and I am finding that often scares people away. So much so that whenever I go shopping I seem to be the only person working in the store. I seriously can't find anyone working. In full honesty sometimes I do it on purpose when I am feeling naughty, which is a lot of times and others times I really am genuinely confused and I need some more gentle one on one guidance to help me see a different perspective. You see my gift abilities range from being extremely gifted and talented to being not at times. Which one I am operating from at any given time is a mystery. Some days with a plethora of endless responsibilities I get to choose what that looks like and it is the only joy I seem to have.
Now I am realizing my children and spouse have the same gift as well and it is not funny to say the least. Not so much at church when my delightful children choose to perform for the church during the pastor's sermon. They are beginning to master the ability to fully express themselves very colorfully. Their feelings come out like a million shooting stars all at once as it gets louder and louder and louder. Hitting maximum pitch. They are very expressive so currently I am frequently begging God for a nanny any nanny. I am also begging God to allow me to take breaks and have legitimate reasons to have sabbath rest. Recently, when I gazed upon their wonderful beautiful faces, I saw that they recognized their gift as well. They had an intense look of happiness on their faces during the sermon and I knew they had found their special calling. You see before having children attending church was a peaceful experience and every now and again there would be a high-spirited child that would interfere with that and I got annoyed quite often. Now it is my own children who are doing it and I feel helpless to manage the tidal waves of all the emotions and feelings around me, especially my own.
What I am finding very peculiar is that way that I am becoming an Academy Award actress in my everyday life. I know that Shakespeare said that we are all actors on a stage, but It wasn't until I became a wife and a parent that I truly understand what that meant. My children have also discovered during this season of lent a newfound desire to destroy my home and now have taken it to this concept to the streets. They have a new awareness of my limited abilities at church and at other people's homes and they try to destroy them as well. This reminds me of Jesus story of destroying and rebuilding the temple in 3 days, my kids have mastered it in 3 minutes. I am learning the art of false positive discipline and I am not looking forward to taking it to new heights. I find myself saying, "Now, now little ones we don't do that here. We are at church and at church we don't do things like that." However at home those gentle qualities don't always shine so brightly. I often find myself giving them loud sermons that seem to get louder every single day. I feel guilty about this but I rationalize this as well. You see I come from a baptist pentecostal background and because of this me and my children need to hear me at a louder frequencies. That seems to get louder and louder and louder as the days gets longer and longer and longer. Well time marches on they say.
Chapter 3
I am finding as other parents have already that in order to survive and thrive in this crazy mix up ridiculous venture of hybrid parenting that I must employ a mixture of crazy strategies. I am learning the art and the mastery of mixing Jesus and therapy together to survive. I also know without a doubt my children are going to need both Jesus and therapy in high dosages to decipher and untangle their lives.
As I move through this parenting continuem I have a lot of parental wonderings that I look forward to exploring more fully because honestly who in their right mind decides to do this again and again and sometimes again. I love my children like a angry lion loves her cubs, but Lord have mercy. Despite my experience and expertise on educating children I am often intellectually beaten by a 1 and a 3 year old. When I had one child she was a bit manageable now that she has a crime partner I am out beaten and out done most days. I am so relived and humbled when my husband returns home daily to rescue me from the lions den. He is like a Romantic hero of a historical romance novel coming in at the perfect moment to save us all from each other. I am often very envious of my husband when he dances off to work in the mornings that I am being sacrificed daily to the cause of Jesus in other words sacrificed to my baby cubs. I often get loudly upset that during this season of my life that this is happening but like any good christian girl I am willing to take it for the team, well most days. I even like to tell myself that I am choosing this, and most days its true. But in full disclosure I am very confused why he is allowed to escape every day and I have to remain home tending the flame day after day after day. On his end, I recognize that he feels envious that I get to spend so much quality time with our children and he doesn't get to spend as much as I do. I think for men this can bring a handful of mixed up feelings.*
What I find bewildering is that because I am a female, society has decided for me that I must remain at home. Due to the extremely high cost of childcare and the pandemic it seemed the most obvious choice. Majority of the time I agree but when the crap hits the fan I am extremely envious and very very vocal about my feelings and that is what mothering has done for me. It has allowed me the freedom to fully express my feelings about life to everyone and I mean everyone who is listening or pretending not to listen. The prison doors have been open and like Paul I feel like I have the obligation to set the record straight.
I pray that I can do it as gently as possible and be as sensitive as posible so that I can encourage others to grow in their faith walk with Christ. I like to think of life as a cruise ship and it is not fun to party alone. I don't want to get to the top and look around and see no one but Jesus. I want and need my support team to be there too. I want them to be apart of my journey and I know it's scary and it is for me too. Nevertheless, I like a little danger it brings a bit of excitement to my day. I don't have to go find it because my imagination and my life experience has given me lots of room to play. I am looking forward to mixing my life experience with my imagination and see what shakes out. I have written a handful of stories over the past twenty years and have written a lot of poems. However, this autobiographical faith blend of writing is my favorite because I get to bring my experiences to the table and allow God to make sense of it so that my roots can grow deeper and flower petals can bloom even fuller for Jesus. I hope that you continue on the journey with me and we can truly see Jesus working miracles in our present time. I am grateful for my church communities who help keep me marching to the beat of God's drum. Being around so many people who have conquered their own parenting journeys has gives me the indirect and direct encouragement to keep going strong. So like good troops in the Army of the Lord with God's grace, we must solider on.
Chapter 4
My relationship with God is very unique. My relationship with God is on a spectrum and how my emotions, my thoughts, and the experiences I go through in full honesty can change how I feel about God. I often feel like the Israelites in the Old Testament because I have a lot of spiritual highs and lows from day to day. I feel guilty about it but at the same time acknowledging it feels good. My relationship with God is very turbulent and it is really like a telenovia. There are days I am on Cloud 9 and other days I am at ground zero.
I love day dreaming because I am able to explore my thoughts from a variety of angles like a Soap Opera. The soap "As the World Turns" best illustrates this idea for me because this is how my brain operates when I am ground in my faith. When I daydream it is free to move in any direction and it is completely liberating. It reminds me of watching soaps how a character has a double personality and has the ability to operate from one brain to the other brain freely flowing from a creative brain to an analytical one seamlessly being able to move ideas like a informational highway back and forth. Daydreaming allows me to pass information back and forth and be able to play around with ideas until I get to the idea that I want to pursue which can drive people around me bananas, but for me it allows me to explore all of my ideas fully so I can make the best possible decision. The struggle comes when I discover people have withheld vital pieces of necessary information that I need in order to make an informed decision and that also creates extreme anxiety but also intense feelings of...for a lack of a better word...rage. It doesn't always come out smoothly or rationally and for that I am sorry but unfortunately I am human. I am learning how to use a variety of techniques to manage my emotions.
There are days when my emotions still get the best of me but I am finding myself laughing a bit more and returning back to the girl I was when I was younger. The girl that loves to learn and to share. It doesn't matter the topic I just love to learn. I love talking to people and getting ideas from them. I love google but I love people more. I love listening to other's stories and getting them to tell me more. Through their stories I get to learn in full detail what life was like for them and it's like seeing their experiences and their life come alive. That is why I love talking to my elders because I can glean so much information that I am now giving away to others especially the younger generation. That is what life is about sharing your experiences so others can bloom right along side of you.*
I love Zen Shin quote; A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms. That's how I feel about all of my relationships I want and need others to thrive along side of me. It makes me extremely happy to see others around me living well. In full honestly It makes me sad and helpless when they don't and I can't make it better for them. I learning how to put better emotional boundaries in place to protect my heart and etc.
I genuinely love people and that is a gift and a curse. But for me today I am choosing today to think of it as a special gift. However, lies can be harmful I am often grounded when I encounter lies. It takes a lot of Jesus, Church, and Therapy to be able to restart and reboot my relationships because it brings a lot of mistrust and lose hopes and dreams which for me is crushing. I often have to rely on God to get me through the rough patches and allow Him to be my ultimate informational highway. I have pray and seek God so I can allow Him to help me rebuild my arch on His Rock. This isn't easy, it is back breaking spiritual work day in and day out. It is gruesome and that is why I need my vacations so I can take justifiable religious holidays to commune with Jesus and Mickey Mouse as we sail upon the rivers of life and dancing as me and my family sail away waving goodbye to the real world for such a short time. I feel the spirit of a Disney Cruise vacation with lovely palm trees in my horizon. But, seriously when you connect with God everyday a tropical vacation is like icing on the cake. The cake is God and no matter where you take Him you are on a cruise vacation, no matter what type of love boat you are floating on.
Chapter 5
Every day there are many tasks that prohibit my brain from having fun. When I was little I would enjoy laying out on the front lawn with my sisters dreaming aloud of our plans when we got older. My favorite memories was growing up in Redwood dreaming about the day we would get grown and travel the world. We would lay out on a bedsheet looking up at the floating clouds. You see we loved being outside and dreaming. We also loved looking at mail catalogues of Disney and Carnival cruises and dreaming and wishing and praying away.
We did the same when we visited the downtown library that has so many books and for me I loved reading the encyclopedias. My favorite was reading about Italy and France, Japan, Australia, Kenya and Egypt. I dreamed about all the places I would visit with my family. Every time I visited I would pick up a new book in the encyclopedia collection and scan the book looking for things that interest me. I don't always remember everything I read or learn but I know how to go back and find the information when I need it because I have been exposed to it. I loved reading the charts and graphs especially the weather charts those were important to a Buffalo girl.
The Buffalo Downtown library had these giant floor to ceiling massive glass windows that allowed the sun to shine into the children's department and in Buffalo that was a great thing during the winter. I would sit there and just read and read and read. I would even sneak off into the adult section and find books to read. That was normal for me. Even at school you would often find me at the school library reading all types of books. My favorite were the historical romance novels, biographies, fact books, and cowboy and western books of any kind. I love to learn and I love history. I seldom found a book I didn't like and despite the phrase don't judge a book by it's cover I do and I still do. If the cover and title grab my attention then I quickly snatch it off the shelf and if I really loved it sometimes it instantly became mine. I really love books. My favorite series books like Encyclopedia brown, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, and the Babysitter's Club. I loved Bernestain Bears I still do and I loved fairytales Hansel and Gretel. My oh my I loved Rumpskilstin. Reading helped me to stayed grounded while dreaming allowed me to fly. Life was difficult but Reading helped me to soar.
When I went to Cambridge, Maryland for a historical self guided tour with my family I stumbled across a book cubby and because I am a book lover and bandit. I was instantly excited to see that they had a lot of books that appealed to me. Titles have the unique ability to instantly jumped out at me and if they speak to me, I grab them. We left the area with at least 10-15 books and I sort of feel bad that we didn't leave a lot of books for people who will probably come behind us but I didn't care. They were mine and for me. I reality needed those books. That's how I feel about education. The ability to learn and have access to information is the key to being able to thrive during this intense season of parenting. Sometimes life is so busy and bustling and other times it is life draining and being able to read, write, and speak about my passions is very liberating for me. We are blessed in America to have the ability and the means to learn at home, school, church, or at the libary. Let's not take that for grant but share the love of reading with others wherever we can especially on Social Media so everyone has the ability to choose how they interact with the world and whether they stay grounded or whether they choose to fly.*
Chapter 6
Last year was intensely difficult for me because I wasn't often able to dream like I was suppose to and needed to dream. At the time I didn't realized this I was angry all the time but I couldn't identify or articulate why. I was ongoing through an intense internal struggle and it was a crazy mixup loony ride. Looking back with 20/20 vision I can see that I didn't have enough time to dream with the people that I loved and that made me extremely frustrated and sad. I was like a super charged version of beauty and the beast. When I get frustrated or extremely angry or even excited and passionate I am like the Beast rooming around the castle yelling and carrying on. I am extremely thankful for Jesus, Church, and therapy. They helped me to unlock my dreams. Dreams that I have had for decades that were locked inside of me. My dreams fought to be unleashed and to be recognized, acknowledge, and to be discovered. My dreams fought to be heard by me and everyone around me. I often felt like a diamond in the rough or a butterfly breaking out of its cocoon. It was intense and it go crazy but with the patience of my faith community they helped guide me, pulled me, ignored me, and retrained me to help me figure out where I belonged.
Jesus, Church, and Therapy were vital in helping me to learn how to quickly how to recognize, acknowledge, and articulate (loudly or softly) my needs and desires. I learned strategies that helped me to find my voice. I am still on my way and I still need guiding lights to help navigate the terrain of life but I am getting there. I pray that God continues to illuminate my path every day so that I can find my way back home to Him and my family each day. I am learning how to protect my dream time. I am learning to set sacred and realistic boundaries in my marriage, my parenting, and in my other relationships and most of all boundaries with myself. But for me finding the right amount of balance with boundaries is key because I like to flow with the Holy Spirit and that can't happen if everyone is 100% strict with their boundaries. Boundaries are well and good as long as they don't stop the Holy Spirit from tugging on our hearts and graciously accepting His will. If people in my faith communities haven't extended the hand of Grace to me throughout my life time and during the past year I wouldn't have made it nor my spouse, my siblings, my mother. For that I give God praise. In His infinite wisdom and grace and mercy. He has shown us unimaginable kindness and I am humbled by it. I know we won't be around for ever so I am grateful for the ability to say thank Lord. Thank you for your goodness and mercy and for seeing us through.
From the desk of Esther Kamoche Robinson
*Will return to these ideas in another post.
Sources/Dedication:
Real life experience
Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud.
Thank you to my Heavenly Father for being a God of unlimited amazing joy and grace, and full of wisdom and love.
My family and friends.
My Community Villages actively participate in giving me lots of indirect inspiration....lol.
All Along You Were Blooming by Morgan Harper Nicholos (I love her music.)
Follow the Star by Gail Marsh (Kids book)
Women Living Well by Courtney Joseph
Living Courageously by Joyce Meyer
Reduce Me to Love by Joyce Meyer
Power Words by Joyce Meyer
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