Chapter One: How do you reconcile between what you want and what God may want?
How do you know the difference?
It’s a matter of surrendering to the call.
I don't surrender easily.
I have been taught to be a rain dancer. I have been a rain dancer all of my life.
I have been taught to be a dreamer. I have been a dreamer all of my life.
But writing, dreaming, and dancing didn’t bring any money to support my family.
You see we didn’t come from money.
Ever since I became grown I had to work for everything.
But by following my dreams of loving people I lost everything.
By supporting my family I lost everything.
By continually doing the right thing I lost everything.
The only thing I was given was a mountain full of student loans and host of medical bills and
credit card debit, subperb education, host of church friends, and a remarkable ability to ask
simple questions.
Questions like....
How can I be saddled with so much debt? I am Martin’s Dream.
How can I be saddled with so much debt? I have done everything I was supposed to do.
I worked in an impoverished school for 18 years. I have given everything to the cause of
Education. Now my debt is suffocating me and my loved ones.
During this pandemic I had a lot of time to think and gather my thoughts. I have some tough
questions that I need someone to answer and No one has been able to answer them for me.
I have a weird relationship with people. You see, they come to me and disturb my peace.
The only time I get any sort of peace is when I am living off grid, like when I’m sailing the
ocean blue, off on an excursion for the day, at my simple rustic country home puttering
around, or asking simple questions of my peers and leaders.
And whenever I try to find peace they bring me lots of gifts.
Because the people around me want to stay in tuned to what’s happening and I
don’t. But then, the good Lord somehow always finds ways to disturb my peace too because
when they come to me, my friends and family like to give me gifts of knowledge that I
don't want. I just want to stay quiet and peaceful and calm. But they like to upset me
by telling about the foolishness in this world.
Well you see, I have the unfortunate ability to have understanding and simple
answers for complex problems.
When I was younger I told God I didn’t want this gift in fact I prayed diligently for Him to find
someone else, anyone else.
People keep bringing me these gifts and then running away. I look around for some help
and I can’t find no one who wants to help me, like I want and need to be helped.
They want to bring me water.
They want to bring me a chair to sit.
They want to bring me everything but the one thing I need.
I need to speak.
I need to tell my experiences.
I need to tell my story.
I need to be involved.
I need to ask some questions.
And I need some real help around here and less "I'm praying" for you nonsense.
And everytime I want to speak to someone about something important, the devil keeps
getting in my way.
God Lord, the devil is always working, working through the cone of silence and illiteracy.
They always find ways for me to Not speak.
But they want to bring me their problems and the problems of this crazy world.
Sometimes things be happening so fast I sometimes can't keep up.
So I have gone along for the ride.
Well the good Lord said No more.
You got a job to do.
I didn't send you to go along for the ride.
You are the Ride.
You need to start giving your testimony.
You need to get on that Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and start Blogging, and get
to sharing the good news of Jesus Christ.
I said what, how can that be?
I don't have anything to say.
Because I find the greatest amount of peace when I am not on those things.
I have been told not to be.
I have been told all kinds of things.
I have even been restricted by bylaws and contracts to not speak.
I haven’t been invited to events that I would love to support.
And then invited to things I’m not ready to support.
But God in His infinite wisdom has decided it’s time.
It's time to get to work. Rise up and get to work, He said.
He created me to be a Rain Dancer for Him.
He created me to be a Voice for Him.
He created me to be a good time girl for Him.
He created me to be flashy and shine like a star...so after many many many years and
decades of fighting Him.
I'm going to surrender to the call.
I'm going to surrender my desire to lead a simple off the grid life by myself.
I'm going to surrender my desire to I can do it all by myself attitude.
I'm going to surrender my desire to not ask anyone for anything or to ask
for real help.
In full honesty I'm truly happy in my own promise land life puttering around, in the sand type
life. I'm seriously not looking for anything because honestly I so used to being told No I
wouldn't know what to do if I was finally told yes.
Truthfully I'm just tired of fighting for people who don't seem to want to fight for me,
who are afraid to do the good work that the Lord command us to do in the good book.
Who don't truly see the value in me as I do in them.
When did we get afraid of helping others?
When did we get afraid to invest in others?
When did we get afraid of doing good things for others in this world?
When did we get afraid of working and playing with others who are different than us?
When did we lose focus on what is truly important, which is our children, our community, our
schools, our churches and gathering places?
Stop hiding God is looking for you and He is looking for me to rise up.
Stop running.
Stop self medicating.
Stop sleeping when you should be praying.
And let's get to the business of our Father, in Christ Jesus.
I don't know what full surrender means all I know is that if I am called to be a dreamer than
let's get to dreaming. Let's get to fighting and let's press on boldly and confidently.
I'm going to do my best to lead a public life and light up the digital night sky even if I
have to do it alone. Me and my children.
After all I am a public servant. I am here to serve the King. I am here to serve the people.
What does that look like I don't truly know.
It's like a hybrid mutant type thing of blending my passions together.
But not in politics.
And not in religion.
Not just in Education.
But as a Blogger. As a Mother. As an Observer. As a Speaker. As a Realist. As a Concerned
Citizen. As a Business Leader. As an Educator. As a Inquisitive person.
As a Tourist.
As a Simple country girl.
So how do you reconcile what you want with what God wants. I'm still not sure but I'm still
praying and working out the kinks.
After all I am a simple urban country girl with simple ideas and I would love to be invited to
listen and to share my stories, my observations, and my testimony with the world.
Let's get to waking up the world and lighting up the night with the love of Jesus Christ.
Let's get WOKE for Jesus!
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